I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
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People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Same post same
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.