Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
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If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.