HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
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BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Every time.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
When can I start eating bats again.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.