Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
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[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
A woman drives into a bar.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man