My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
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museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.