very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
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People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Body by sandwich.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off