mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
You Might Also Like
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
work smarter, not harder
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.