If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
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“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
The Others (2001)
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions