“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
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Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Pee pressure > peer pressure