“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
You Might Also Like
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?