It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
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Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Does it…does it take 3 days