BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
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Girls greet each other normally the way I鈥檇 act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
me and the Superbowl rn
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Don’t we all.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It鈥檚 his worst fear – hare loss
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you鈥檙e hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 馃槶
mechanics be like
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won鈥檛 be easy.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don鈥檛 u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you鈥檙e such a gentleman
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don鈥檛 let anybody tell you differently