Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
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[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”