Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
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british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
#oldknees
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”