Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
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Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?