I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
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Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one