You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
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Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.