I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
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I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
When I grow up, I want to be 16
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
October already? What’s next? November????
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.