Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
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Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv