Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
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Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Still my favorite headline of all time: