I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
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COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
New Tinder profile.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
He wanted to make sure😂