gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
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me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery