WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
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Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct