You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
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My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray