My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
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me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.