No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
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We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
🤣dope
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Strangers have the best candy.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not