Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
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“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
What even happened today?
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently