X-tra spooky blend
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The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.