Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
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BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
This came to me in a dream.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.