Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
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If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping