When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
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11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Gods work.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.