You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
You Might Also Like
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.