I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.