One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
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when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*