During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
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Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun