Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
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I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.