[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
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ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.