HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
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Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.