Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
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Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
This is not me but this is me
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Life with a cat in one tweet
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.