Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
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My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name