My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
You Might Also Like
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF