Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
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It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people