Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
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friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math