Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
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My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
War & Peace
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.