One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
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Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Whoa 😂
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”