the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
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I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.