Good advice.
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Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.