One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
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7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”