I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
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onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
mentally somewhere in italy
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.