I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
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How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.